


The Women of Highlander: Barbarian Ratings

by dairesfanficrefuge_archivist



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-31
Updated: 2003-12-31
Packaged: 2018-12-18 06:11:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11868315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist/pseuds/dairesfanficrefuge_archivist
Summary: Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived atDaire's Fanfic Refuge. Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDaire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile.





	The Women of Highlander: Barbarian Ratings

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Daire, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Daire's Fanfic Refuge](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Daire%27s_Fanfic_Refuge). Deciding to give the stories a more long-term home, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Daire's Fanfic Refuge's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/dairesfanficrefuge/profile).

The Women of Highlander: Barbarian Ratings by Ojodelgato

| 

**_The Women of Highlander:  
Barbarian Ratings by Ojodelgato_**

Ojodelgato literally means 'eye of the cat' or 'cat's eye' (in Spanish for those like me, who are linguistically challenged). It is the nom de plume-pen name-That's French...keep up now), of a multi–talented denizen of the frozen tundra of Wisconsin, USA and the Scifi HL BB. 

He provides a unique, refreshing and hilariously MALE view of Highlander's WOMEN. C'mon, admit it, most of HL's outspoken fans are female, often toting drool buckets overflowing with secretions over Duncan, Richie, Methos, Fitz, Cory, even Joe. The male fans tend to stay in the background ruminating over swords and martial arts, quietly panting over the likes of Tess and Amanda, but usually low–key. 

In the interest of fairness, I present to you the ratings of an admittedly flagrant, in–your–face Male Chauvinist. After reading them, you may even agree with his cutthroat (pun alert) and incisive analyses. 

The words and warnings below are those of Ojodelgato, unless otherwise indicated. 

WARNING – MAY BE   
OFFENSIVE TO   
ANYONE WITHOUT A   
SENSE OF HUMOR 

.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
. 

I'M SERIOUS   
.   
.   
. 

NOT KIDDING   
.   
.   
. 

TURN BACK NOW IF   
YOU'RE EASILY   
OFFENDED   
.   
.   
. 

OK, HERE WE GO: 

Sometimes I watch Politically Incorrect, and realize that about half of what gets said on that show is simply there to get a reaction from the audience. They want the hornets nest stirred up. 

I might be stirring a hornets' nest here, but to tell y'all the truth, there hasn't been a heck of a lot of activity on the BB for a while and maybe there'll be some reaction or discussion from this. I went to Emit's home page and found a poem dedicated to the most annoying reporter on TV; Randi. Since I genuinely thought that, from the male point of view, Randi was more than just a little bit cute, I got an idea for a new posting on the BB. 

Here is a TOTALLY male / barbaric / chauvinistic rating of some of the more notable female stars on HL. 

* * *

.......ROUND ONE....... 

Tessa 

Mega babe with a Killer French accent. Just watching her walk is a study in poetic motion. OK she's supposed to be taken, and DM's monogamy is easily understood. Ojo's rating – Helen of Troy ain't got nothin' on her – if only she had brown eyes. 

Randi the Reporter 

From the male viewpoint she was damned cute, and I'm surprised Richie didn't pick up on that. DM of course turned down her innuendos because he was dating the mega–babe Tessa. Ojo's rating for Randi – worth a one–night stand – or a long weekend with good room service and no TV (she'd probably want to watch herself on the news). No chance for a long term relationship because her career is everything, and she's after the Pulitzer prize. 

Felicia Martins 

The lovely Felicia Martins (Joan Jett) – looking like she had recently been released from cocaine re–hab and dragged down a few miles of bad road. Her heavy Bronx accent was explained by all the centuries she had spent in France – Fuggeddabouddit. The makeup and chainmail outfit used when she was "dressed to kill" made her look clown–like, which was probably not the writers intent. Ojo's rating for Felicia – good reason for carrying a 10 foot pole. Avoid even a one night stand without an HIV blood test and a good supply of barrier method safety supplies. 

Amanda 

Amanda (Elizabeth Gracen). In everyone's life there is one occasion when you will fall for the absolutely, totally wrong person. The one person that is 200% wrong for you. The person who will tear out our still beating heart, stomp on it for a while, and leave you as a broken shell with nothing more than a shrug and a wry comment. The strange thing is that even knowing it from the start you will take the plunge anyway. That wrong person would be Amanda, we watched her do it to a bunch–o–guys including DM. Ojo's rating: Get ready for a 2–3 week roller–coaster ride. It's going to be fun but ultimately self destructive, so know when to walk away. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, I'm pretty sure she'll get over it quicker than you will – she might not even know you're gone. 

Doctor Anne Lindsey 

Doctor Anne (the Chipmunk). The most scorned woman by the fans of the series. Personally I think it's because most fans wanted DM to end up with Amanda after Tessa died. If she had Amanda's tailor she could easily get as many male fans going ga–ga. But since she tends to dress as a professional woman she comes across as more dull and real–world. Of course in the real world, when you add in the stellar good looks, a figure that would make a monk cry, a doctors' intellect, and the strength of character that she would bring into a relationship; the rating must be upgraded accordingly. Ojo's rating: Guys, if you wouldn't go for her in a heartbeat, you must not have a pulse. Personally I like intelligent, dark haired, and brown eyed women. Most of all I like stunningly beautiful, intelligent, dark haired, and brown eyed women. 

Warning guys: if you look too deeply into the dark brown eyes of a beautiful woman, your soul will be taken and never returned – trust me. 

Annie Devlin 

Annie Devlin (Sheena Easton). The Irish Immie who decides to get revenge on Richie, but moves like a wooden manequin and doesn't look certain about which end of the sword is sharp. Good looking but not hot, and a total bitch. I don't think she stopped frowning, complaining, and pouting for a minute during the entire show – even AFTER DM was supposed to have thoroughly boinked her. Ojo rating: unless you're looking to join the IRA and help her liberate Ireland through terrorist attacks, I'd suggest a 10 foot pole to keep distance, and stay out of any bar she goes in with a large backpack. 

Hey y'all out there – fair's fair. I've read countless postings comparing fantasies with AP, PW, SK and the rest of the male stars. Have some fun – suggest some more female HL guest stars, and I'll try to use my Barbaric / Chauvinistic rating system to mercilessly objectify and stereotype them based on their physical appearance, acting ability (or the lack there–of), and the traits of the character they were playing on HL. 

Best Regards, 

Ojodelgato 

  
Emit speaking: This concludes the first batch of ratings...read on, if you dare! 

* * *

.......ROUND TWO....... 

Here is another TOTALLY male barbaric / chauvinistic rating of some of the more notable female stars on HL. For those who gave me some suggestions, thank you for your input. I'll be working them in as time permit 

Cassandra 

(Tracy Scoggins) The witch from the woods, talk about type casting!! There is something extremely compelling and mystical about her dark brown eyes, black hair, and outstandingly beautiful figure. But somehow she comes across looking stunning but harsh. I can't really explain it except to say that she would be my first suspect in a teen–slasher or werewolf movie when the bodies started piling up. Cassandra was a character I really never appreciated. She can sort of see into the future (but not very well), she can sort of bend mens' minds to her will (except for the bad guy), and I never really understood whether she was protecting DM or trying to save her own butt (or both). On the other hand, she did have enough character to wait until DM grew up before boinking him. Ojo's rating: even though she might be a werewolf, I like stunningly beautiful, dark haired, and brown eyed women. In addition to barrier method safety products I'd bring a .38 special with Silver bullets. You just can't be too careful these days. 

Nefertiri 

Nefertiri (from the Pharaoh's Daughter). DM gets the headrush when an Egyptian mummy is trucked past him – indicating the presence of another immortal. He unwraps Nefertiri who immediately learns English. The story doesn't improve much from there. She's out to get revenge on a Roman Immie who invaded Egypt when Cleopatra was queen. Did I mention that Nefertiri is the hottest looking woman on Earth? Seriously drop dead beautiful. OK, so she's a psychotic homicidal maniac, but everyone's got problems. She gets her revenge by killing the Roman Immies girlfriend with a kitchen knife during a quiet dinner party. Ojo's rating: If Cleopatra's maids all looked like her, I'd build a time machine and move to Ancient Egypt – they even speak English! Just remember: you can't take her anywhere, keep her out of the kitchen, and keep her away from knives. 

Midori 

Midori (from the Samurai). DM washes up on shore in 17th century Japan, a samurai saves him and also immediately learns English. Good thing too, because his outstandingly gorgeous daughter, Midori, also speaks English. Serious drop–dead beauty in this episode too. Strangely enough Midori also has a great–great–great–great grand daughter in the 20th century who looks exactly like her. Both Midori's are kind of messed up, but the one in the 20th century is pitiful. She married a rich, jealous, homicidal, psycho maniac immortal for his money so she wouldn't lose the family ancestral home. Then she cheats on him and gets her boyfriend killed. OK y'all, maybe I'm just too fussy being from the Midwest, but I'd say she was screwed up beyond repair. The 17th century Midori is more interesting, has a better fashion sense, and appears to have a lot more strength of character. She's only concerned about her father helping a foreigner and being condemned for it. Ojo's rating: So they're identical. If I get to choose.... I'd use the time machine again. The 20th century Midori is high mileage, high maintenance, and a serious AIDS risk. Plus she comes complete with major league financial and emotional problems that Dr. Phil and Oprah couldn't solve. 

* * *

.......ROUND THREE....... 

This is the third in a series of barbaric / chauvinistic, and heavily Y–chromosome laden ratings of the female guest stars on Highlander the Series. Let's face it, 90% of the female guest stars were nothing more than delicious morsels of eye–candy. Most of them didn't even serve to move the story along. Todays two guest stars are from the 1st and the 6th seasons (respectively) and were both requested by other BB posters. They were unique in this series in that DM didn't get to boink either of them. 

Vanity 

Vanity (from the episode Revenge is Sweet): Even though Vanity was starting to demonstrate the expanding universe theory of weight control, she was still achingly beautiful. The whole premise of this show is that Vanity thinks DM killed her boyfriend, Walter, because DM has Walter's incredibly expensive sword for sale in his shop. Why didn't I ever meet women this heartrendingly beautiful, and this dumb, back when I was single? To test the blade (before she buys it) she challenges DM to fence with the very sharp, very antique saber. Risking damage to his expensive merchandise, and to himself, DM naturally accepts because antique dealers only fence with SHARP blades and no safety gear. There's some psychodrama as Vanity tries to mess with DM's head but he takes back the saber and leaves. Vanity goes to the shop and steals the sword challenging him to a fight to the death. Later DM convinces her to pretend to be dead, and it turns out Walter's not really dead after all and had set her up. DM whacks him and Vanity is grateful. 

Ojo's rating: I don't know if I would just boink her, try to sell her the Brooklyn Bridge, or both. Probably both. Trust me, even though Vanity was not an example of the near skeletal, tummy–tucked, anorexic, breast enlarged, silicone enhanced supermodels – she still looked extremely do–able, from the male viewpoint. Long term I don't think any guy would put up with someone so mentally challenged – which might explain why Walter was so willing to sacrifice her in his schemes. 

Alex Raven 

Alex Raven (from Sins of the Father): In season 6 Panzer and Davis proudly announced that the next Highlander Series would center on a female immortal and be a complete rip–off of the number one action show: Xena: the Warrior Princess. Enter Alex Raven, a Lucy Lawless look–alike with the same ultra macho, in your face, kick your ass, "I have a dark past" attitude, but with a Harley instead of a horse. Raven: the Highlander Princess begins with a flashback to the Warsaw ghetto as her boyfriend is trying to get his bank records out of town before the Nazi's kill him. In another flashback we find out that Alex was the daughter of a Celtic Warrior King which means that: 

ALEX RAVEN IS 

– do I have to say it? 

– can't you guess it? 

– isn't it obvious? 

A WARRIOR PRINCESS! 

How do they rip thee off? Let me count the ways. 

In the 18th century she could ride down a bad guy on horseback and fight like a Tazmanian Devil. In the 20th century she could kill Nazi's with a machine gun, de–fuse bombs, ride a Harley, and kick bad guy ass with the best of them. She had Xena's sulking world–weary attitude, a sword, a basic black wardrobe, but carried a 9mm Ruger to threaten mortals. The main differences between the two: Raven couldn't defy gravity while fighting or let loose with an Amazon battle cry. 

Ojo's rating: On the Ojodelgato beauty scale this actress rates pretty damned high. Even so, I just can't see myself warming up to a woman who wears the same after–shave that I do, and more of it. Raven's character would make Xena, DM, or the WWF wrestler of your choice all seem soft, frilly, and feminine. The only compelling images of Alex Raven were the wet T–shirt shots (sha–wing!) from the 'quickening–in–the–river' scene in the 18th century; indicating that there truly was something hidden under all the layers of leather and macho. I'd have a hard time taking her anywhere for fear that she might belch loudly after dinner, but I bet she could change out the transmission of a '57 Chevy without a winch. 

That's all for now. I'm looking for my tape with "The Wrath of Kali" on it. If I remember right there were 3 guest stars of the feminine persuasion on that single show. 

Yes, I am being barbaric and chauvinistic. Just remember it's all in fun, and if I were really this bad my wife never would have married me – much less stayed with me. 

May the road rise to greet you...   
Ojodelgato 

* * *

.......ROUND FOUR....... 

DANGER ! 

  
DANGER ! 

  
DANGER! 

  
YOU ARE WARNED 

  
  
  
POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE MATERIAL 

  
  
  
THOSE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR – TURN BACK NOW!!!!! 

The Fourth installment in the totally barbaric / chauvinistic, marginalizing, and demeaning rating of actresses in the Highlander Series. These ratings have absolutely nothing to do with objectivity. My criteria are the impacts of their beauty, their performance, and the characters. Objective rating is best left up to those more capable than I. Emit or Nightjessi would be good starts. 

I'm just a guy after all, and we are infinitely fallible by definition. his installment deals with the episode "The Wrath of Kali" from season 4. Here in one episode we find 3 examples of eye–candy at the sweetest. 

Shandra Devane 

Shandra Devane (archeologist and museum curator). I took an undergrad anthropology course in 1983. The professor looked like a cross between Barbra Streisand and a Grizzly Bear, and I don't find either to be attractive. If my professors had looked like Shandra I never would've graduated. Becoming a professor requires a brilliant intellect as well as many years of grueling study and single–minded dedication. There is no way someone with such extreme classic beauty could have put in that many years of suffering. Ojo's rating: Shaaaa–wing!! Near perfection with a nasty (but forgivable) habit of dealing in stolen goods. 

Alice Ramsey 

Alice Ramsey (wife of Colonel Ramsey). A blonde snooty bitch with a wonder–bra and a voice like fingernails on a blackboard. She would probably boink any guy on Earth if he would just tell her she's pretty. She is too, but in a cold and distant Northern European sense of the word. I can't think of any two people who deserve each other more than Alice and Colonel Nigel Ramsey. They're both white supremacists, she's horny beyond belief, and he apparently forgot how to satisfy her a long time ago – assuming he ever knew. A match made in heaven. Ojo's rating: Bottom of the Barrel. The actress who portrayed Alice did a fantastic job. But in creating a character so repulsive she lands squarely in the 10 foot pole department. Not even a one nighter, not even if she paid for a room at the Hilton. 

Vashti 

Vashti (widowed heartbreaker from India). The embodiment of a poem I read long ago: 

_All my days are trances_   
And my nightly dreams   
where thy dark eye glances– 

(there's a reward for anyone who can name the poet) 

Breathtaking beauty. Seriously folks, we're talkin' breathtaking like getting slugged in the chest with a sledgehammer – twice. The only drawback with Vashti is her desire to commit suicide, which would probably put a damper on any long–term relationship. Ojo's rating: Fire up the time machine, I'm moving to 19th century India. She's tied for first place with Nefertiri (The Pharaoh's Daughter) for "Ojo's Most Incredible Vision–Of–Loveliness Award" for the entire 6 years of the series. 

Ojodelato's surprising conclusion: if one could select from these 3 possibilities – (yeah, as if!) – one would have to choose Shandra Devane. 

"But Ojo," you say in utter shock, "we understand why no–one would want the blonde snooty British bitch. But why would you choose Shandra when Vashti is prettier and you are – by definition – merely a shallow, barbaric, and chauvinistic male?" 

Hmmmmm...let's ponder this question for just a moment. Shandra's character is: educated, dignified, intelligent, cultured, professional, could fill an evening with interesting conversation, descended from two noble and ancient cultures, has a social conscience (although she sometimes deals in stolen art), unbelievably easy on the eyes, built like a centerfold, and she dresses well for every occasion. And finally the 2 critical reasons; she won't kill herself in the morning, and I won't have to build that damned time machine. 

Dios les bendiga.   
Ojodelgato 

Emit here: The poem alluded to by Ojodelgato is copied below 

| 

To One in Paradise 

Thou wast that all to me, love,   
For which my soul did pine––   
A green isle in the sea, love,   
A fountain and a shrine,   
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers.   
And all the flowers were mine. 

Ah, dream too bright to last!   
Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise   
But to be overcast!   
A voice from out the Future cries,   
"On! on!"––but o'er the Past   
(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies   
Mute, motionless, aghast! 

For, alas! alas! with me   
The light of Life is o'er!   
"No more––no more––no more––"   
(Such language holds the solemn sea   
To the sands upon the shore)   
Shall bloom the thunder–blasted tree,   
Or the stricken eagle soar! 

And all my days are trances,   
And all my nightly dreams   
Are where thy dark eye glances,   
And where thy footstep gleams––   
In what ethereal dances,   
By what eternal streams. 

Edgar Allan Poe   
  
---  
  
* * *

.......ROUND FIVE....... 

This is the fifth in a Series of unashamedly male oriented ratings of the female stars of Highlander. From the episode 'Duende', 4 examples of flamenco dancin' Gitana visions from my idea of heaven. 

With my preference for the sultry Mediterranean women who keep showing up on this show I sometimes ask myself, "Self, why aren't you married to a sultry Hispanic woman?" Then I remember...I am! It's rough when reality measures up real well against fantasy. 

"Duende" is unique in that there are 4 lovely Spanish women in the show, and DM doesn't get to boink any of them. In fact the bad guy boinks almost all the women! But don't worry y'all, according to the story Consone must not be very gifted in this regard because all his women end up hating him. 

Anna Hidalgo 

Anna Hidalgo (1971) – At age 21 he's not perfect, not really. For example: take away her svelte athletic figure, take away the incredible dancing ability, take away the fire and passion (duende) she brings to her art and what's left? Just her haunting Mediterranean beauty. Of course there's the problem of her engagement to Rafael, but how could she resist an Italian/Irish hybrid named Ojodelgato? She's also pregnant which might complicate matters just a bit, but what the heck – no one's perfect. And there's that Otavio Consone character – a jealous homicidal whacko who keeps following her looking for revenge (venganza!!) – he might be a problem. Ojo's rating: Fire up the time machine again. I'm moving to 1971 Spain. She is definitely a finalist for the "Vision–o–loveliness" award, and knowing the strength of character she'll show in her life, yo no pudiera resistir! 

Anna Hidalgo (1996) – Talk about aging gracefully! If all 50 year old Spanish women have her style then Spanish men must be the happiest guys in Europe. Here's a lady who lost her fiance', raised a daughter on her own, lost the ability to dance, and when she faces Consone and finds out he's behind most of her suffering, has the guts to swing a cane at his face. !Que Mujer! Ojo's rating: In the over 50 category she has no competition. In 10 years, she's mine! – (Time machine again) 

Luisa Hidalgo 

Luisa Hidalgo (1996) – Tell me this isn't the best that Spain can offer! Physically she's just 'bout perfect but follow the story line: beautiful 25 year old Spanish dancer marries 45 year old homicidal maniac to rebel against her mother – hmmmm...somebody needs to talk with Dr. Phil for a while. Of course she might have been trying to strike it rich by marrying a guy with a castle, which makes it all better – right? Even after DM kills Consone, Luisa hugs her mother!! Hey beeyatch, here in Wisconsin if someone kills your maniac husband for you, you at least offer him a beer! 

Before you all try to lynch me, I met Anthony DeLongis in 1998– and yeah, I remember that most of the women at the sword demo were ga–ga over him. So reality provides a 3rd reason for the marriage that most of you sub–consciously added anyway. 

Final reality check: show me a 25-year-old Mediterranean woman who wants a wedding so small that she can't invite her mom. Ojo's rating: One nighter only!! If I was 20 and just out for some fun – look out. But I'd never let her know my real name and I'd never go back to the bar where I met her. All that beauty can't hide the fact that she's a spoiled psycho brat badly in need of a spanking. Then again, she might like that.... 

Theresa del Gloria 

Theresa del Gloria (1851) – So who knew they had wonder bras back in 1851? Of the young Spanish women in this show she would not be my favorite. Perhaps because she's the only one that can't dance flamenco and doesn't have a drop of Gitano blood in her. She has a maid following her around so there's little chance for the pre–marital shahhhwing! she so obviously wants, she's not the prettiest woman in Spain, and you have to ask her father if you want to marry her. In her family you don't even know her – because when papa says 'marry this man' she does it! Naturally she also wants to save DM from the evil Consone. He ends up killing her because he knows she's thinking of DM while boinking. 

WARNING: judging by some of the postings on this BB, you ladies might be in just as much trouble if your husbands find out. 

Ojo's rating: I'm not a Spanish gentleman so I wouldn't even be considered worthy –BFD–. I wouldn't cry about it since I really don't find her attractive. Don't get me wrong, she's not in the 10 foot pole department but I couldn't see myself putting in years to chase her. 

Personal note: I had to formally ask my father in law for permission to marry his daughter (now the lovely Mrs. Ojodelgato). But we had been dating for several years and I asked her first! You all would have been proud! The conversation was conducted entirely in Spanish, extremely formal like something out of the 1800's and felt like a scene from the beginning of "The Godfather". Then he broke the whole mood by turning to mi amor and asking her, "OK with you?" (Esta' bien contigo?). Thankfully she said 'Si'. 

The rest (as they say) is history. 

Dios les bendiga.   
Ojodelgato 

* * *

TURN BACK IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED! 

OVER THE EDGE BARBARISM FOLLOWS 

IF YOU READ BOOKS WITH FABIO ON THE COVER YOU MIGHT BE OFFENDED – TURN BACK NOW! 

  
  
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! 

.......ROUND SIX....... 

Carolyn Marsh 

We're going to deal with one of the strangest female guests on HL, strange because she is NOT eye candy. Someone said that she was worthy of a whole thesis, I looked through my tape archives and watched the episode...geez you were right! 

I was inspired to try writing in the style she used. SO here we go – WAY OVER THE EDGE – the barbaric chauvinistic review of Carolyn Marsh (Sandra Bernhard) from "Dramatic License": 

Excerpt from my soon to be published romance novel "Barbaric Chauvinist Unchained": 

"Ojodelgato pulled the cassette from the VCR. "Dramatic License", he said disgustedly, "What a waste." He tossed the tape carelessly on the couch. "The book was crap, and there isn't enough beer in Wisconsin to make Sandra Bernhard look good", he said as he walked in cat–like silence to his massive, hand carved Oak desk. 

"Ojo cleared his mind to compose another barbaric review and began to type. "Do women really read stuff like that? Do they really need that many adjectives"? His dark, work hardened, muscular hands moved quickly on the keyboard. "Tell me why", he typed angrily. But there was only the silence and loneliness of the blinking cursor. "Can someone tell me?" he at last spoke aloud, his deep voice crying from the depths of his manly soul. 

"His grey eyes glared angrily from his deeply tanned and bearded face as he scanned the monitor, waiting for an answer. But alas there were none there to answer his tortured spirit. Without warning he jumped swiftly and effortlessly to his feet, pushing the chair back from the desk. Muscles rippled across his broad shoulders as he threw his clenched fists to heaven and asked in agonized barbaric fury, "Why would anyone read horrible, crappy books with 400 pages of shitty writing like this?" 

WHAT A CROCK! 

My sister used to read these books all the time and I laughed my head off. "Oh the torment", "he reached longingly for her silken..." jada, jada, jada. 

The male characters were Pirates, Smugglers, Vikings, or other muscular guys who never took baths. And my sister wouldn't let her husband get near her after he mowed the lawn. "Eeeiiiuuuu, take a shower!" I don't get it. Us guys never get it. My wife and sister can't explain it, but Fabio is still making a fortune modeling for book covers. 

In this episode Carolyn Marsh is supposed to be the master of the Romantic Novel art form. Every woman in the episode who reads her book breaks into a sweat, breathes heavily, and gets several life–altering minutes of physical satisfaction per page. 

The world is a mysterious place for us barbarians, and a lot more work! 

Carolyn Marsh (Bernhard) created a heroic character in her romantic novels named Duncan MacLeod, and an evil character named Terrance Coventry. DM is surprised because he has been named as the heroic archetype and every woman's sexual fantasy. Terrance, who also actually exists, is pissed off because he is described as an ugly scoundrel with a hairy mole on his face, a ravisher of innocent maidens, a thief – utterly without scruples. This is even more complicated by the fact that there was obviously a previous relationship between March and Coventry, and that she is using DM as her revenge. 

She throws herself at DM a few times but Amanda saves him from a fate worse than death. It would seem that Carolyn has actually fallen for the character she thinks she created. We find out later that Terrance and Carolyn are actually married and have been having a major lover's battle brought about by Carolyn's feelings of inadequacy because she's not immortal. 

Why Coventry – who had several centuries to master the art of seduction – would find himself helplessly taken by Sandra Bernhard is a mystery to me unless.....Could it be? 

Is the greatest truth hidden in this comedy? Could it be that if you live long enough the attraction of the soul will override everything else? Could their souls call to each other so that no other woman could be in his heart, only Sandra Bernhard? 

Ojo's Rating: Only Sandra Bernhard? No! Dear God in heaven, please! No! Not that! No! 

  
  
– Get that picture out of my mind! I mean it! NO! Don't even think about it! 

  
  
NO! Not a chance, NO! 

  
  
!Padre nuestro en los cielos, por favor, No! 

  
  
Mein lieber Gott in Himmel, nein, nein!! 

* * *

.......ROUND SEVEN....... 

**The Blonds: Part One**

WARNING: MATURE SUBJECT MATTER 

  
  
WARNING – MAY OFFEND SOME READERS – especially those with no sense of humor 

  
  
BARBARIC CONTENT FOLLOWS 

  
  
CHAUVINISTIC CONTENT TOO! 

  
  
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! 

Welcome to the 7th edition of the Barbarian /Chauvinist Rating of the women of Highlander. 

This edition: Part 1 of "The Blondes" We already discussed Tessa and Randi the reporter so......... 

Sarah Carter 

Blonde #1 Sarah (from the episode "Obsession"): In spite of (or because of?) the fact that she's a blonde, Sarah is a superhuman wild animal in bed. More horny than Madonna and J–Lo combined, capable of more positions than Gumby, and able to out–boink the authors of the Kama Sutra; she apparently is the best that DM has found in over 300 years on 4 continents. She's so good that after finding out that Sarah forgot she was married, he gave up his principles (like honor, honesty, integrity, etc.) and went to their family farm begging her to leave her husband and run off with him. Pitiful, just pitiful. 

Sarah also had her husband reduced to total wimp status. Even after she walked out on him for some extracurricular boinking in town, he tracked her down to beg her to come back to him. Pitiful, even more pitiful than DM if that's possible. 

An observation: when Amanda left DM after a night of boinking he just shrugged it off. Sarah left him and he was a broken man. Amanda was supposed to have had about 1000 years more practice than Sarah, so we're talking 'bout exceptional talent! 

To summarize:   
DM: I don't care if she's married, I gotta get me some more of that tonight!   
Husband: I don't care if she's been out cheatin', I gotta get me some more of that tonight! 

It sounds like the Jerry Springer show: 2 men – badly, sadly, whipped by the same woman. On the other hand, even after 100 years DM does a shirtless Karate kata every time he thinks of her. I assume the ladies in the audience can't be too upset. 

Ojo's rating: Guys – be afraid, be very afraid. She's so good that she can reduce grown men to pitiful, sniveling, whimpering, totally shattered shadows of their former selves. She may not look dangerous or exceptionally beautiful – but be afraid, be very afraid. 

Kristin 

Blonde #2: Kristin (from the episode "Chivalry" ): In spite of (or because of?) the fact that she's a blonde, Kristin is a superhuman wild animal in bed. More horny than Madonna and J–Lo combined, capable of more positions than Gumby, and able to out–boink the authors of the Kama Sutra; she apparently is the best that Richie has found in over 25 years on 2 continents. The main difference between her and Sarah is that no one ever has a problem leaving Kristin. Even though she is heart–stoppingly beautiful, she gets to be so damned annoying that everyone eventually wants out. Unfortunately she doesn't like being dumped and tends to take it personally. The problem then becomes getting rid of her without losing your head or losing someone close to you. 

We find out that DM was involved with her a few hundred years ago, and left her because she treated him like an 18th century, live action, Ken doll. In spite of lots of boinking, DM quickly got sick of being dressed up and re–decorated like a fixer–upper from an episode of "This Old House". DM then fell for another woman – who Kristin of course killed. History repeats itself when Kristin decides to kill Richies' long time friend after he decides it's time to cut & run. 

Anyone see the movie "Fatal Attraction"? Kristin doesn't kill bunnies, she just kills you or your next girlfriend. 

Ojo's rating: Guys – if you like women that are 'cover of a magazine' beautiful, blonde, tall, thin, physically perfect, dressed in skirts that are little more than wide belts – then Kristin is the woman for you. I have a suggestion for you all to avoid her homicidal tendencies; when you decide to leave be smart and LET HER DUMP YOU!! Get her really mad at you – (leave a mess in the kitchen, snore at night, leave the seat up, wear the flannel shirt she hates, insist on going to Steven Segal movies, take up playing bagpipes)– anything to get her to leave while thinking that it's her idea. 

  
Next time: Renee Delaney, the blonde FBI / Interpol lady   
The blonde assassin from "The Black Tower"   
Tessa's blonde friend who gets scalped. 

* * *

.......ROUND EIGHT....... 

The 8th edition of the Barbarian /Chauvinist Rating of the women of Highlander. 

This edition: Part 2 of 'The Blondes' 

So far the blonde discussions have included Tessa, Randi the reporter, Sarah the incredibly addictive sex machine from 'Obsession', and Kristin the psychopathic supermodel from 'Chivalry'. 

Onward we go with..... 

Renee Delaney 

Blonde #1: Special Agent Renee Delaney– FBI 

In an age when we're starting to appreciate that our law enforcement and military personnel keep us from being killed by well armed lunatics, we see our 'nations finest' represented by Special Agent Renee Delaney. Here's how our blonde FBI agent catches criminals– 

Step 1: Reel in a civilian by acting helpless – 'Please help me fix my car – I'm helpless and blonde!'   
Step 2: Get the guy alone by hinting there's going to be some hot boinking later that night– 'Please help me carry my groceries up to my apartment – I'm helpless, and blonde, and easy!'   
Step 3: When you're in the apartment pull out a gun, point it at the guy, and then ask for his help in a hazardous FBI investigation, 'OK, I want some answers!' 

Wow! I feel safe knowing she's out there protecting us, how 'bout you? 

Ojo's rating: My personal opinion as your resident Barbarian/Chauvinist is this: no red blooded heterosexual male would turn down helpless little Renee – until she pulls out the gun. Call me old fashioned, but I take it real personally when someone points a gun at me. Yep, that .38 special would probably put a damper on our future relationship and would discourage me from helping her in an investigation. In real life she would never have made it through FBI training camp. But then again, in real life she would appeal to guys who get off on 'Damsels In Distress' (DID's), or 'Babes With Guns' (BWG's). Take your pick, she's in both clubs. 

Margo 

Blonde #2: Margo – The Blonde Lady Assassin from 'The Black Tower' Imagine a bored, blonde, doctor's wife from a gated community in Marin County or Martha's Vineyards. You know; the president of the Garden Club, host for Republican fundraisers, on the selection committee for the Country Club, and secretly sleeping with Miguel the pool boy. Yep, that's the bitch – and DM is dating her in this episode. Margo's dressed for the Opera and looks like she is in her natural habitat with a martini glass in her hand and a diamond bracelet on her (ever so thin) wrist. I bet she knows which years were good for California Cabernet Sauvignon, and she's probably related to the Kennedy family. 

I tried to figure out why this lady inspired such a negative reaction from me, and I finally figured it out: She's Mrs. Howell – you know, from 'Gilligan's Island'! I'm serious!! Look at her!! The same immaculate hair–do – the same formal wear – etc. etc. etc. And I can't imagine Mrs. Howell enjoying a good boink, can you? Of course not..... she just couldn't – her hair would get messed up, she might perspire, it might get messy. 

Margo gets kidnapped by the minions of an evil immie who uses her as bait to get DM in a trap. He rescues her, but she turns on him and we discover that she was merely a hired assassin. The evil guy kills her and the story goes on just as well without her. 

Ojo's rating: I'd tell her 'No Thanks', even at closing time. Even if she wasn't an assassin, she's still.... well, she's still Mrs. Howell. I'm sorry y'all, the very thought of getting it on with 'Lovie' is just too damned weird, even for a Barbarian. 

Now if you're talking 'bout Mary Anne.......... 

Natalie Ward 

Blonde #3: Natalie, Tessa's friend who gets scalped in 'See No Evil' – season 1 

In this episode we see a blonde lady who was obviously some sort of advertising executive – OK so ALL advertising executives are blonde. This one is a friend of Tessa (sigh!) who visits her at work with DM – just as a maniac attacks her and scalps her with a bowie knife. What a coincidence they would be there right at that moment! 

OK – forget the cheap victimization of women in this episode, forget the image of someone trying to deal with disfigurement – serial criminals – etc. We assume that the magic of plastic surgery will take care of the physical problems, I have my doubts about the magic of psychology handling taking care of the mental trauma. 

But since we ALL KNOW she didn't really get hurt I guess I can continue with a jaded and shallow Chauvinistic approach. Seriously folks, the actress walked away from the show without any need for reconstructive surgery, so I'll concentrate on the image she portrayed at the start of the episode. 

Ojo's rating:   
1.) Attractive – (help me), definitely falls into the drop dead gorgeous department   
2.) Figure – athletic but not anorexic (Yikes!)   
3.) Professional – implied by her dedication to her job, DM and Tessa meeting her at work – etc.   
4.) Successful – implied by her job, and she's wearing Versace.....   
5.) Unfortunately not a martial artist, but we can fix that! 

So what's not to like? Well if she were brunette...... 

  
.......Emit here....... 

Well, there you have the feline view. Ojodelgato's barbarous, chauvinistic typical male value judgments of Highlander's women. 

Did he hit the cat's eye? 

Is he a pig in cat's clothing? 

Should he wake up and smell the catnip? 

Any comments sent to this web site will find their way to his eager little claws.   
Hope you enjoyed his ratings as much as I have. 

Peace, Emit 

More Ojodelgato ~ 


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